So gravity happens because matter bends spacetime and blah blah blah. But dudes, I had a crazy idea! What if instead of gravity being a property of matter, it was a property of the ENTIRE FRIGGIN' UNIVERSE?
Have all minds within the sound of my voice been COMPLETELY AND IRREVOCABLY BLOWN??
So check it: the universe is suffused with tiny invisible particles that travel in equal intensity from all directions. So if you were alone in the universe, you'd be hit equally from all directions and nothing would happen. But if there's a planet in front of you, then any particles coming from its direction are going to hit it instead and not you! So you're no longer in balance, and particles coming from BEHIND you will push you towards the planet.
And YOU'RE blocking a much smaller number of particles from hitting the planet, so it'll move a little towards you!
Yes!
It's a fun theory, but if you're absorbing particles all the time, shouldn't you be gaining mass?
No, because they're — massless?
Ah, so you'd be absorbing energy then.
They're — energyless as well?
They're — also being energyless. What's the difference between them AND being energyless and being identical in structure?
I think you'd be able to tell if a given particle is the same as another if it's hitting a constant - say, a constant of - oh, -4. That's enough for me!
I still think you should stay in touch with me!
Why not?
MEANWHILE, IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE EVERYONE IS TOTALLY EXCITED:
Dear audio diary! Days pass, like who I am now, speaking with my hands, saying things in my head, trying to figure out what's going on...
This doesn't count, though!