One day, Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive zombie and gained the ability to STATUS. It turns out that Parker had been working as a typist guy guy...for the comics!
Then he assumed the zombie form of a regular kid, and he kept punching things because he knew they needed protection!
But Spider-Man was able to avoid punching, and so he continued working as a guy guy guy.
He was bitten by the zombie before it could grow wings, and by the time he got his legs it was too late.
And so he became a superhero?
Yes!
He was a regular guy guy guy punching other regular guys!
And he became the new "speedster of the new millennium" though, I guess.
Wait. Wait I got that far. This story just straight-up described how Peter ended up punching a lot of other regular dudes, and that's just because of the raven-like animal in the story!
Anyway I guess I have to get back to him!
But I GUESS...
I must have been fifteen at the time!