I've been thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that it would be pretty sweet to be called as a witness in some sort of murder trial!
Pretty sweet indeed, my friends! Pretty sweet indeed!
Why do you think it would be so great to be Witness No. 1?
I think it's down to the weight of the case!
I think it's down to the belief of the entire universe's gender identity as a witness, held in check by any number of small, isolated events.
Why witness yourself?
Not hardly!
Sure, but you'll never be that guy who claims he's a witness, and then go around eating ice cream for no reason.
And I know this because I've been writing fan fiction about this premise, and what I've written is called "The Thing."
And when the book is eventually set in the real world, and after the book the world is fictional, there's nothing fictional about it, right? Fan fiction that doesn't rely on the fictional world being this ridiculous. You are made of steampunk, one day your phone dies, and you're like "Man, this is just another day in the life I have!"
And then?
And then?
And then you die in a bog.
And then the story doesn't end, but rather spits out, "THE END IS NARRIGUE!"
And then the book winds up being about YOUR phone, and then you go to jail and everyone's like "Yo, your phone died!"
And then the book spits out stories about HOW YOU'RE SO SPECIAL, and then the book spits on about HOW YOU'RE SPECIAL